Longing for your touch
by Tiian
Summary: Nothing new. Just wanted to play with Aoshi and Misao a bit more... First long fanfic. Low quality.
1. Chapter 1

Longing for your touch  
  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Rurouni Kenshin. Believe it or not.  
  
  
Prologue  
  
  
They noticed it immediately as she came through the dojo's door. They had been waiting for her since she had informed them that she would come for a little visit. Now that she was here, standing right in front of them, they saw the reason why.   
  
Her eyes were red from crying and she had black circles under them. And she looked tired. Her face was pale and her whole being almost lifeless. She had lost a lot of weight. She smiled a forced smile and assured to them that she was all right after some rest, which she was going to get here. In Kyoto there were too many responsibilities for her. Here she would be able to rest.  
  
They accepted her reasons, or lack of them, and welcomed her to the dojo.  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Some wounds never heal  
Some tears never will  
Dry for the unkind  
The Kinslayer  
Nightwish  
  
Three weeks later...  
  
Almost a month had passed since she had arrived. Some things had remained the same, some changed. She had gained back the weight she had lost, her eyes had lost their black circles, but still the lifelessness and tiredness were present in her blue eyes.  
  
Misao woke up everyday very early and made breakfast for them, which was something she had argued with Kaoru about. Kaoru had insisted that she would rest and leave the cooking to Kenshin, after all he was a great cook. Misao had won the argument, saying that feeling herself useful would help her to recover her spirit and to the suprise of others, Misao proved herself to be as good cook as Kenshin.   
  
Another thing she argued with Kaoru about was money. Misao had offered her money in exchange for her staying, but Kaoru had refused to accept it...until Kenshin had came in saying that they hadn't much money left, because of their almost every day visits at Akabeko and because Kaoru ate much more now that she was pregnant. His comments made Kaoru blush and accept some money from Misao, but she swore to pay her back someday. As soon as she could. Misao had agreed with a smile, that was a true one. Kaoru blinked and then smiled, *Misao is recovering!*   
  
After breakfast Misao rested a while or went shopping with Kenshin, while Kaoru and Yahiko were teaching at the dojo. Misao had learned that people in Tokyo were nice and she had already gotten many new friends.  
  
After they returned, Kenshin did the laundry and Misao went to train. Her shinobi outfit drew lots of attention from the men practising Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu. it amazed her in the beginning, she wasn't used to men watching her like these and the way they tried to draw her attention was new to her. Kaoru had complained to her about it, because men watched her, while she was trying to teach them. That had made Misao blush.  
  
Misao had still continued her training during that time and to their astonishment, had recovered some of her spirit due to the mens admiring gazes. That had caused Kaoru and others to wonder the reason for her visit once more and wonder if they should have sent a letter to Kyoto asking what was wrong with Misao. But they had decided to wait for Misao to tell them.  
  
After a hard training, Misao usually made the bath ready for them and rested a while before making dinner with Kenshin. At that time Sanosuke usually popped up from somewhere and ate half of the cooking.   
  
When Misao and Kenshin had made the dinner for the first time together, Kenshin had told her to make a lot. Misao had asked why, but Kenshin hadn't told her then, merely smiled and assured that Misao would understand soon. And when Sanosuke 'suddenly' came to 'greet' them, she understood. That was the first time there had been a real and full smile on her since she had came. Smile that lightened her face up and took all lifelessness away. Others didn't see that smile, but it didn't matter.  
  
After dinner she usually talked with Kaoru about the day or memories and such. Kaoru was amazed by the things Misao told her about Hannya, Shikijou, Beshimi and Hyottoko... and Aoshi. She had never believed that they would do things Misao told her they had done, for her. *Misao-chan has lost her parents a long time ago, but.... Hannya, Shikijou, Beshimi, Hyottoko and rest of the Oniwabanshu has become her family. It must have been hard on her to have to cope with their deaths at the same time that Aoshi was...off the track. I can see them now in a better light. And Misao-chan also. It must have been hard for her, just as hard or even harder than it was for me to lose my parents.*  
  
After talking with Kaoru, which usually took a long time, Misao went to sleep or read something. Unlike in Kyoto, here Misao didn't cry herself in to sleep, which was a good thing. Here there weren't so many memories of Aoshi, which also was good. After all she was here to recover from the wounds that loving Aoshi had given to her, so many wounds, too many wounds...  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
Sun had risen and Misao felt its rays warming her inside and outside. She loved mornings, because for her, it was the time for new beginnings. And new beginning was something she was hoping for, new beginning without the pain...without Aoshi....  
  
Even though the mere thought of it made her insides twist, she was sure that it was what she needed. She had, after all, came here to get over the pain that his cold gaze made her feel and the way his every cold word seemed to tear her apart, his every movement in its heartbreaking beauty...  
  
Misao could feel tears forming in her eyes. *Not anymore! Not anymore. Please... not...anymore...* Her tears rolled down in burning paths on her cheeks. A frustrated gesture and tears were gone from her cheeks, if not her eyes. With an angry gleem in her eyes she stated, *Not anymore! I will NOT become the helpless puppet I was in Kyoto! I will NOT become... I will not...* Tear after another followed paths on her cheeks, she brushed them aside and with disorientated mind made her way to the kitchen and there noticed a bucket of water on the floor. With hazed mind and eyes she made her way to it and washed her face with the water feeling better after. Yesterday she had been shopping with Kenshin, and knew exatly what to make for the breakfast.  
  
*******  
  
Everything was prepared when Yahiko stumpled to the room, he had twisted his ankle during the training and was taking a day off today. His eyes lightened up when he saw the food Misao had made with a great care and he sat down and was about to fill his plate, but Misao stopped him and took the plate from his hands ignoring his protestes. "We have to wait for Himura and Kaoru-san." Yahiko sighed. "It'll take hours for that big, fat raccoon to get up."  
  
"What did you say, Yahiko-chan?!" came a scream from the door. Yahiko turned, stucked his tongue out at Kaoru, grapped his plate from Misao and started to fill it, while Kaoru stood at the entrance with pure rage on her face and Himura tried to calm her down. Small smile tugged at Misao's lips at the scene, it was like this every morning.  
  
They all were so close, much closer than she was with anybody in Kyoto nowadays, not to mention Aoshi... For a moment a black cloud of sadness filled her eyes, but the sight of Kaoru throttling Yahiko, even in her pregnant state, was so funny, that it took all sad thoughts out of her mind and curved her lips into a small genuine smile.   
  
In Kyoto she hadn't been able to smile a true smile in a year and nobody had noticed, but in here it came so naturally. She watched as Kaoru argued with Yahiko even while they were eating and ate with a good appetite, which was something she hadn't had in Kyoto.   
A sigh escaped her lips. "In here I can smile, eat and sleep well.I couldn't do those in Kyoto..." She lowered her gaze back to her food and barely even noticed as others finished their meals. She was lost in her memories...  
  
*******  
  
"Aoshi-sama. I'm going to Tokyo. To meet Himura, Kaoru-san, Yahiko and others. I was wondering...." A deep intake of air. "Would you like to come with me?"  
"No."  
A silence.  
"I see...Well, I'll leave tomorrow. Sayoonara."  
No answer.  
  
*******  
  
Kaoru looked at Misao. The look in her eyes was empty and she hadn't eaten anything after a few bites which was highly unusual. Usually she took her part in the riot called breakfast, but now...  
  
"Misao-chan. Are you all right?" Misao looked up startled. "Yes..." With a bit stronger voice. "Yes. I'm all right." She smiled, it didn't look like a forced smile, but still...  
  
"You haven't eaten much." Misao blinked and looked at her plate. A small blush and short laughter. "I guess I'm not that hungry now, but I bet I'll eat more at the dinner than usually now that I don't eat so much for breakfast."   
  
Misao continued smiling, but Kaoru wasn't sure if she could trust in that smile. *But I guess I don't have a choice in the matter... I'll ask her about it after the dinner.*   
  
Suddenly the baby kicked causing Kaorus eyes to widen on happiness and amazement. It was the first time. *My baby kicked! Correction-* She smiled with all of her heart. *Kenshin's and my baby kicked!* She turned to her smiling face to Kenshin. "The baby kicked!"  
  
The triumph of sheer joy in Kaoru's voice hit Misao. She was happy for her friend of course, but...  
  
Kenshin moved to her, but the blood pulsed too soundly in Misao's head for her to hear what he said. In truth she didn't even want to, their happy faces were enough. Hearing would only be a painful reminder of what she could never get, never. Not with Aoshi and she loved him with all her heart. Tear slid down her cheek, no one noticed.  
  
  
tbc  
* Tiian * 


	2. Chapter 2

Longing for your touch  
  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Rurouni Kenshin. Believe it or not.  
  
Chapter 2   
  
When done with me  
Forget if you think I feel ashamed  
A wild thing  
Never felt sorry for anything  
Bare Grace Misery  
Nightwish  
  
  
  
A new day came, but Misao didn't have any hopes for that day, nor did she have hopes for any day for that matter. She stared at the ceiling of her room, thinking. It had been a month since she had come here and not much had changed. Pain had lessened, that was true, but it was also true that this way she would never get rid of all the pain, not this way. And that was what she wanted, to get rid of all the pain. It was so long time that she had lived with the pain of loving someone who didn't love her back, someone who said no words of thankfulness, no words of sorries, no words of caring...Someone who said nothing.  
  
Then suddenly a thought hit her and she stood up in her bed. A new thought, a new possibility. She dressed up quickly and ran out of the dojo, it was early and she would have lots of time before having to make the breakfast. There was a Oniwabanshu member in Tokyo, who would know how to help her to find her own apartment and a job.   
  
She wouldn't return to Kyoto, to the place of her sadness, she would start a new life in here. She could help Kaoru and Yahiko with the students at the dojo and when Kaoru wouldn't be able to show movements anymore, she could do that for her. After all she hadn't watched hours of training of Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu for nothing. And she had been trained to use shinai and bokken, even though they were not her favourite weapons. She would find a job and apartment, then with time she might find a husband... some one who would be interested in her unlike Aoshi.   
  
*This is it! How come I didn't come to think of this earlier?!* The answer was simple, but she chose to ignore it. She run through the streets without meeting a person, propably because sun hadn't even risen yet. At one of the houses, which looked like Sanosuke's, she stopped and after thinking for a moment, knocked at the door, but no one came. She knocked harder, nobody. Misao was starting to lose her temper for the first time in a year and a month and her next "knock" almost broke the door. She heard sounds of movements from the house and slowly, oh so very slowly the door opened, about 2 cm. *Is he intentionally trying to make me lose my temper?!?!*  
  
"Who is there?" a tired masculine voice came from the little opening of the door. Misao was almost ready to smash her way through the door, and it felt great, being more alive than in a long time. "Makimachi Misao desu." The door opened quickly and a man with black hair with a little white in it, showing his age, and a small moustache stood in front of her. He was wearing a brown yukata and he, to tell the truth, looked like hell. His hair was pointing at every direction possible, his yukata was not....clean, his face was pretty yellow and he smelled like shit, but Misao forced a smile on her face. The man looked at her from head to toes.  
  
"Yes...I guess you truly are our dear okashira. You have the looks of your mother." It still seemed somehow strange, people calling her okashira. For as long as she could remember Aoshi-sama had been the only one. *Yes. I'm the okashira of the Oniwabanshu. ...What did he say? I look like my mother...?* From what she had heard, her mother had been a beautiful strongwilled woman. *Am I like her?*  
  
"Do you know any free apartments around here?" The smile that had brightened Misao's face had disappered and a look of calmness had taken it's place. The older man smiled. "Straight to the business, ne okashira?" A small moment of silence, neither one of them speaking. "Why don't you come in? It isn't nicer in here, but it is more private."   
  
Misao entered his apartment and almost wished that she hadn't. It really smelled. It was almost empty also, there was only an open futon and one closet. And many sake bottles on the floor. Misao doubted that they would all be empty, it seemed that Tatsu had been drinking. He moved to the closet and gave Misao time to observe.  
  
During the Bakumatsu Tatsu had been a fighter and a spy, very good at both. He used kenpo and a bow and had been one of the best shooters during that time from what Misao had heard and remembered. She had listened sometimes, no matter what others said. Now he didn't look like a oniwabanshu at all. *Is this what has become of all the oniwabanshu who haven't been contacted in years...except the message that I am the leader now?* Then another thought, more of a memory, entered her mind. Everything is not always what it seems to be. 


	3. Chapter 3

Longing for your touch  
  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own RUrouni Kenshin. Believe it or not.  
  
  
Chapter 3   
  
Come to me  
Make me believe  
to you and your love again  
Astral Romance  
Nightwish  
  
  
Misao could hear the loud beating of her heart, outwards she showed none of her nervousness, but inside... That was a different matter. *Everything was going so fine. I didn't deserve this!* She walked towars the entrance, as she would walk to be executed and she felt like she would be. Her steps seemed to echo in the hall making her feel very lonely, then she stepped out of the front door and saw them standing at the entrance. *Omasu-san to Okon-san.*  
  
As if she would have said their names out aloud, they turned to face her. They were wearing their uniforms and at the sight of her, smiles spread across their faces. "Misao-chan!" they yelled in unison and Omasu stepped towards her. "We were so worried! Why haven't you came back already? We have all missed you so much! And we were so worried!" Omasu had a bit blaiming expression. Misao could sense that Kaoru and Kenshin weren't far away, but they stayed quiet which was fine with her.   
  
"Misao-chan?" Now Omasu looked worried. "Are you all right?" A silence which Misao broke with a one simple word. "No." Everyone's eyes widened. "No. I am not all right. I don't know if I'll ever be again."   
  
"Misao-chan." A female from behind her. *Kaoru-san.*  
  
"If there is anything we can---" A simple all denying word 'no' once again silenced Omasu. "You can do nothing. I am doing my best right now and your coming here..." Her eyes were stoned. "You shouldn't have came." The shock on their faces surprised Misao. "I didn't want you to come. And there was no need for you to come."   
  
Okon stepped towards Misao hands on her hips. "Misao-chan. You are acting very childish. Have you even thought about Kaoru-san and Himura-san? You can't stay here disturbing them! You have already been here too long. You'll come back with us to where you belong!"  
  
Misao was quiet as she was stared at her feets with her hair covering her face so that others couldn't see her expression. Then a strangled laughter escaped her lips and she raised her gaze from the ground. Kaoru couldn't see her face, but Okon and Omasu could. They paled as looked at her in a shock. "Misao-chan..."  
  
Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks and at the same time she was smiling, but the smile wasn't happy. Her face was a bit pale and her eyes looked lifeless, so very lifeless... They had never seen her like this before. Her facade of genkiness had broken. And then she exploded, anger and pain filling her until she couldn't hold it inside anymore.  
  
"Where I belong...? Where I belong?! Do I belong there where I have no happiness?! Where I am in so much pain that I can barely breath?! Where I cry myself to sleep?! Where I can not eat?! Where I---" Misao stopped her screaming, shut her eyes and threw her head back. She breathed in deebly to calm herself. Others looked at her, speechless. Even though her eyes were shut, tears were still sliding down her cheeks. Her anger had given her face a reddish colour.  
  
She opened her eyes and spoke with a empty voice, no emotion was on her face or in her voice. "I did think about Kaoru-san and Himura. That's why I contacted Tatsu. He helped me to find a place for me to stay at and I'll move there soon. And the day after tomorrow I'll know if I'll get to work as a waitress at a restaurant not far from my new apartment. I won't bother Himuras anymore. Tell Jiya to send all reports to Keiko-san. She'll bring them to me and Tatsu will help me with them."  
  
Not wanting to upset Misao, Kaoru spoke softly. "Misao-chan. You don't have to do this. You can stay here as long as you like and then go back to Kyoto. I mean after you have--" Kaoru was harsly interupted by Misao's angry voice.  
  
"You don't understand. None of you do." She turned to face Kaoru, but now her voice sounded pained. "How could you when I haven't told you anything. I have hid it inside of me. I didn't want to make anybody worry in Kyoto, so I...left. I came here. I hoped that you wouldn't ask me questions and you didn't. Arigatou. But I guess now is the time for me to tell you." Misao was silent for a moment and before she continued speaking, staring at her tightly squeezed hands.  
  
"In Kyoto I woke up in the morning, went to the kitchen and got Aoshi-sama's tea and then I went to his room. He always meditated already when I got there. He rarely ever said a word. No thank you's, or other signs of noticing me. All he said was something like..." Misao seemed to think hard. Her forehead wrinkled, then she gave up. "Well I don't remember him saying anything, but 'the door is open' or... Well pretty much all he said was a answer to something I had asked. He didn't even answer to me always, just looked at me, his face impassive."  
  
"But I always talked to him, told him what had been happening lately, and smiled to him. He only looked at me with those uncaring, cold eyes. Those eyes told me, that he doesn't want me there. I never realised it before... Took a long time for me to realise that, to realise what an idiot I am. His words, those few he ever said...They kill me in their coldness. Every day...I die in there every day, and still I can't stop going to see him...not as long as I am there..."   
  
Misao falled to the ground as if all her strenght had deserted her and she cried. Kaoru moved to her and embraced her as well as she could with her stomach in the way. Omasu and Okon took a clue from her actions and embraced them. Kenshin looked at Misao, who was now holding on to Kaoru in her pain and desperation.  
  
Kenshin wondered if Aoshi knew how great pain he was causing Misao to feel. In Shi-Shi-O's headquarters, when he had told Aoshi that Misao was crying because of him, for him, he had winced. It had given him the last opening to wake Aoshi up. He was sure that Aoshi cared for Misao. And Misao herself had told that she had made her best so that others wouldn't be worried and hid her pain. *So Aoshi may not know anything of the pain Misao-dono is feeling. On the other hand Aoshi is very good at reading people's feelings and he must have seen her pain, or at least that she is hiding something. So why hasn't he done anything? ...Of course...*   
  
Misao's eyes were hurting. *This is what you get from crying like a baby.* She pushed Kaoru, Okon and Omasu away from her and pushed herself up. She looked at their worried faces and was amazed by how much they cared. *After Aoshi-sama's uncariness, it's nice to know that there are people who care about me.* She smiled to them. *But I still can't return to Kyoto.* "Don't worry. I feel better already." *I'll start a new life in here.*  
  
Now, after letting her anger out in the form of yelling and crying, she felt more free. She knew that some of the pain remained, pushed and hidden deep within her, but the anger was gone. She didn't even remember how long she had harpored that particular feeling inside of her, but it was gone now. *I guess it was good that Okon-san and Omasu-san came.*  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
Next day after Misao had spent ten minutes convincing everyone that she was alright now and that there was no reason for them to worry anymore, Misao, Okon and Omasu were making a dinner. Kenshin was practically forced out of the kitchen when Misao had said that she would make a fantastic dinner to thank them for everything they had done.   
  
Okon and Omasu were helping her because what she planned to do needed more than one person to do. And it did took them a long time to make everything ready.  
  
The dinner was a great success. The food was tasty and sake that Okon had bought was good. Misao felt wonderful. Sake made her thoughts hazy and her pain forgotten. She laughed at Yahiko and Sanosuke who were fighting over the food that was left. Megumi had also joined them for the dinner and even though Kenshin was now married to Kaoru, she still flirted with him and that made Kaoru very angry. She didn't drink, because of the baby, and thinking the way Misao had heard Kaoru to be acting when drunk, it was only a good thing. Okon and Omasu had some old oniwabanshu friends living in Tokyo and they had gone to meet them promising to came back early in the morning to help in cleaning up.   
  
Sanosuke won Yahiko in their 'who-gets-to-eat-rest-of-the-food'-battle by distracting him. He said that Tsubame was at the door. Yahiko turned to see, and Sanosuke tugged all the food that was left into his mouth. Yahiko furious when he noticed this. He attacked Sano with his shinai, but Sano merely jumpped out of the way with not so very graceful movement.   
  
He had already drank pretty much sake and so his wasn't at his sharpest. After succesfully balancing himself he started to walk towards Misao. Yahiko was going to attack Sano again, when he noticed some leftover food on one of the trays they hadn't noticed before and silently walked to it making sure that Sano didn't notice.  
  
"Hey, weasel. Hand over some of that tasty sake." Sanos voice was sober, too sober for Misao's liking. She took a bottle of sake to her hand and threw it to Sano. "Here. Drink." Sano caught the bottle, raised an eyebrow at Misao and sat down beside her. "That was the plan."   
  
He raised the bottle to his lips and drank. And drank. Misao's smile spread in amazement, before she felt that both her hand and mouth were too empty and started to look for a new bottle for herself.   
  
Sano finally put the bottle down, "Mmm. Good sake.", and turned to Misao who already had found a new sake bottle for herself and was drinking it empty with a steady speed. "Yo, weasel. Easy it up. Soon you won't get yourself of the floor." He smiled and took the bottle from Misao, who wasn't sober enough to stop him.   
  
"Mou, Sano. Give *hick* my sake back!" Misao's cheeks were flushed and the hand that was reaching for the bottle, swayed uncoordinatedly in the air as she tried to decide which one of the Sanos she was seeing was the real one. Sano stood up and felt as the sake rose to his head, he steadied himself quickly. "Nope."  
  
His eyes were on Misao as she rose to her unsteady feets. "I am the okashu...okashira of the oniwabanshuuuu.... And I order you to give that sake back or I'll be angry." Misao tried to look angry, but laughter escaped her lips.   
  
"Sure. I'll give this back---" he wawed the bottle in front of Misao, but didn't give it to her when she tried to grasp it in her hand."---but only if you come and walk with me. To sober your head up a bit." Misao blinked, before she nodded and gave one last clance to the room where Yahiko was trying to sleep on the floor next to an empty tray, and Kenshin was trying to calm Kaoru down, while Megumi laughed her manical laughter. Then she and Sano stepped outside.   
  
The cool night air brushed Misao's face and she shivered a bit. Sano noticed that and took his own shirt and offered it to Misao. She looked at it astonished before taking it. "You acting like a gentleman. Hard to believe, rooster." Sano smiled. "Yeah. I guess I have drunk too much sake, weasel." Misao giggled. "Must be, rooster."  
"Weasel."  
"Rooster."   
"Weasel."  
"Rooster."  
"So how long are we going to stand here calling each other names, weasel?"  
"I don't know. How long, rooster?"  
  
Sano threw his hand in to the air. "I give up. I asked you for a walk and am hoping that we would be up to it before morning." Misao smiled at him. "Then let's walk."   
  
They walked down the road from dojo in comfortable silence. Misao found it nice, raised her sake bottle and drank a bit. Sake warmed its way down and made the cold wind less cold. She smiled. She hadn't felt this good in a long time. Not since--*No. I am not going to think about that.*  
  
"So, how long are you going to stay here this time?" Sano's voice startled Misao and she almost jumped out of her skin. "You shouldn't scare people like that!" She was holding a hand on her heart in melodramatic posture and was claring at Sano, but her eyes winkled with held laughter. Sano laughed openly at her and a moment later, after making a false face of hurt, her voice joined his.   
  
*She is beautiful when laughs like that, no worries on her face.* The laughter died slowly from her lips, but she still smiled. "You haven't heard?" He looked at her puzzled. "Heard what?" Misao smiled, took some dance-like steps forward. "I'm moving to Tokyo." Sano could actually hear his jaw hitting the ground.   
  
"Whaaaaat? But what about Shinomori?" Smile disappeared from Misao's face. "That idiot can do whatever he wants....But then again, he already does so." There was a trace of bitterness in her voice. "And what stops me from doing what I want? Certainly not that idiot!" Misao looked angry, and Sano could hear the pain in her tone. "I thought you loved him. Isn't that reason enough?"   
  
Misao turned to him and looked utterly full of sadness. One lone tear slid down her right cheek. "Yes. I love him. And it would be reason enough, if he would love me back. But I have understood that he doesn't. And I just can't deal with him anymore." Misao looked almost...trapped. Trapped in the turmoil of her feelings, being almost stewed to the gills did not help. And he didn't want her to be sad, angry or in pain because of one moron, who didn't see what was in front him. So he would take that look of of her face.   
  
"As you say." Then he smiled at her wickedly trying to get those painful feelings away from her mind. "So we'll be seeing more of you here then?" Misao blinked in surprise at first but smiled then almost as wickedly as he did. "Definately! And wait till I get my spirit back and start pulling pranks on you guys!"   
Sano laughed. "Sounds like fun."   
"Oh it is. Usually mostly for me and by-standers."   
"You mind taking a partner?"   
"Hmm...I'll consider that." She smiled and took a gulp of sake. Sano mimiced her movements and took also a shallow.  
  
Somehow all sadness that had filled Misao only a moment ago, was gone. *Must be the sake...or...the company.* Out of sheer impulse she said excatly what she thought. "I wish I would have fallen for someone like you. That would make my life much more interesting and less painful." Sano looked at Misao amazed...and pleased by her words. "What do you mean?"  
A slight blush rose to her cheeks.   
  
"Well..." she bit her lip. "First of all I can have a conversation with you. That is impossible with Aoshi-sama. Secondly you have a good sense of humor...unlike Aoshi-sama. I have never seen him even truly smile, not to talk about laughing! Also it is easier to be around you than around him. He sometimes makes even me feel uncomfortable with him. Nowadays especially. He never shows any emotions, unlike you. He is like a stone statue. Just as cold and unmoving as one. And I feel like there would some kind of chain binding me to him." *A chain my love created.*   
  
Misao walked around Sano the whole time she spoke. "And that chain is so thick, heavy and short that I haven't even be able to have that 'crush-age'. I mean having a crush on one man and then already on the second one. And I know many girls from my childhood and they are all already married! Most of them at the age of 16, when I was still looking for my Aoshi-sama!"  
  
She stopped walking and faced him, looking almost annoyed. "Think about it. I am 18, I could have been married already for years, but no. I have never been even kissed!"   
"Whaaaat? Never?"  
"Nope."   
"I guess we have to change that then." Misao didn't even have time to think what he meant by that before he had already embraced her and was pressing his lips against hers.   
  
Then she couldn't think, didn't want to think. He was so close and she had never been this close to anyone. Not this way. She answered to his kiss out of all of her frustration and need to be close to someone.  
  
When Sano finally ended their kiss, they were both breathless. Misao was looking at him her eyes wide and her mouth partly open. "Now that is taken care of. You have been kissed. But no more kisses from me. Remember that." His words were in disagreeance with the way he said them and his eyes caressed her lips. "Hai..." Her voice was breathy and almost inviting.   
  
Misao knew that she should pull away, but she honestly didn't want to. She had never been this close to anyone. She tried to think, to get the order to pull away from her brains to her body, but sake and his warmth filled her head and so she remained in his embrace.  
  
Sano looked straight into her eyes and tried to sober himself up. Her mouth was open and he wanted to kiss her, again. He had said he wouldn't but how he wanted. Sano allowed his hands to let go of her and she stepped away from him. They looked at each other unsure of what to do. An eternity went by before Sano forced words out of his mouth. "So...ummm." He looked at Misao trying to think up something to say before he come up with a question.  
  
"So where will you be living? At the dojo?" Misao blinked before her sakefilled head understood what he was talking about and then shook it. "Nope. I already have an apartment close by and I may get to work at one restaurant as a waitress." Sano raised an eyebrow, glad that they had found something to talk about. "At Akabeko?" Misao shook her head again and pained look appeared on her face. "I wish! The restaurant I am talking about is way smaller and less popular. ....And I think that the owner is a perverse. It isn't that bad thing, you know I can take care of myself and-"   
  
"You would work for a perv??!! You must be kidding! We're going to meet Tae right away! One of her waitresses is getting married in a month. I am sure that she will need someone to replace her!" Misao looked at Sano her eyes wide. She was amazed by Sano's protective and angry reaction. His face looked really scary in a way.   
  
Then Sano had already took her right hand and was dragging her somewhere down the road. "Sano! What are you doing?!"  
"I'm taking you to meet Tae!"  
"But it is late!" Misao protested holding herself from giggling.  
"So what? She'll understand."  
  
Misao truly doupted that but allowed Sanosuke to drag her towars Akabeko. On a way Misao noticed that she still had her sake bottle hanging from her wrist. She amused herself by trying to catch it with only her left hand which was surprisingly hard even though she was already sobering up, or so she thought. When she finally caught the bottle they were already at Akabeko's backdoor.   
  
Sano pounded the door and yelled for Tae. Misao laughed at him noticing how in some of the nearby houses lights were being lit and some man appeared to one of the windows and yelled Sano to be quiet. Then the backdoor opened and Tae came into the view.   
  
She was wearing a simple grey yukata, her hair was in a small bun upon her head and her face red of anger. "Sagara Sanosuke. What on earth are you doing here at this hour?" Her voice was very cold, but Sano didn't seem to mind as he made his way in to the kitchen. Tae looked after him frusterated before she noticed Misao coming in behind Sano wearing his shirt. "Misao-chan. What are you doing with this drunken troublemaker?"   
  
Misao bowed at Tae and laughed at her surprised look. "I am drunk with him. And he is the one who dragged me here after he got that great idea of his. I don't know what he was thinking in rushing here at this hour and I apologize for us rushing here this late, but as I told you, we're drunk. So, you can't expect perfect manners or anything at all for that matter. Anyway I have to admit that his idea was quite good, but it completely depends on you. So that is why we're here. ....Did I tell you that we're drunk? Well that doesn't really matter. I mean when we left the dojo, Megumi was also drunk and she was flirting with Himura and Kaoru was SO angry that I thought that she might explode from all the blood that was packed in her head. And Himura had great troble in calming them. Yahiko had already almost passed out even though he didn't even drink! I am sure that Okon-san and Omasu-san are also drunk. They went to see a friend of them after the dinner. And Sano blackmailed me out of the dojo by stealing my sake and so we left to have walk and---"   
  
"And I think Tae has heard enough Misao." Sano decided to step into the scenario.   
  
Tae looked at Misao bewildered. She still had her mouth open, ready to speak more, but then Sano placed his hand on the top of her mouth and spoke.  
  
"The reason why we're here is that this weasel needs a work as a waitress. Do you have work for her?" Misao managed to get his hand from her mouth. "I'm not a weasel!" And the hand returned. Everything else she might have had to say was muffled by Sano's hand.  
  
Tae looked at the couple. Sano looked at her waiting for her answer and Misao wiggled in his arms doing her best to get free. Tae shook her head, headache she had had evening was now returning. *They are impossible.* And she sighed.  
  
"There is a place open, but only if Misao-chan will dress up in our uniform." She shot penetrating glance at Misao, who nodded in agreement. Tae looked at Sano, who was still keeping her silent. "Let her go. I need to speak with her." Sano just nodded and let Misao go.  
  
"Listen to me now Misao. You'll come here tomorrow evening at the shutting time and we'll discuss about few things, all right?" Misao nodded. "Hai...eeto. Arigatoo gozaimasu." She seemed to have gotten hold of herself. Tae sighed in relief. She was tired and drunken Misao babbling was too much for her nerves at the moment. "Now, you two leave and go to sleep."  
  
"Hai!" Both of them bowed at her and Misao would have probably fallen onto her nose if Sano hadn't steadied her. When Tae was showing the door for them, she noticed the sake bottle hunging from Misao's wrist. And while she was walking beside her, she snagged the bottle away from her without Misao noticing. She was too busy at concentrating at her step and mocking Sano.   
  
Tae sighed out in relief when she saw from the doorway that they making their way towards the dojo. *Finally. I can go back to sleep.* And she shut the door.  
  
Misao took more of her dance-like steps and half of the time almost falled over, but it didn't matter. She hummed one of her favourite songs all the way to the dojo. Sano could only watch her admiringly. She was so unique. There was no one like her and never could be. Unlike the past month she was now almost, if not totally back to normal. When they reached the dojo, Misao suddenly sprang to him and give him a tight hug.   
  
"Arigatou." Then she run inside the dojo leaving Sano to wonder about her actions before he headed towards his apartment totally forgetting to ask his shirt back from Misao.  
  
Misao looked at the party-room which was a mess. They would have some cleaning to do tomorrow... Yahiko was still sleeping on the floor, but others weren't there. *They are probably sleeping.* Sano hadn't followed her inside which probably meant that he was going to go home.   
  
Misao made her way through the dojo's corridor to her room. She looked around. Her futon had been spread for her. *Most likely Kaoru-san or Himura...or Okon-san or Omasu-san, if they have returned already.*   
  
She was beginning to strip out of her clothing when she noticed that she was still wearing Sano's shirt. She removed it and thought about running after him to return it to him, but at the second thought folded it carefully and placed it on the floor. *I'll give it to him tomorrow.*  
  
She changed into her blue sleeping yukata and walked to her futon. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but found herself unable. Too many thoughts swirled in her head. Her new job at Akabeko, her new apartment, her new life in here... She had been so happy about all of them, but right now... The thought of not seeing Aoshi anymore hurt more than ever. *It's the sake. It's making my feelings jumpy.*  
  
But no matter what she said to herself, the truth remained. All she wanted was Aoshi to come and take her home with him, to tell her that he loved her and that they would live happily ever after. But that would never happen. She knew it and it hurt her more than she could have ever imagined.  
  
  
  
Glossary:  
to= and  
genkiness= genki is happy, or something like that. Misao often acts genki.  
Arigatou.= Thank you.  
okashira= a leader  
hai= yes  
Akabeko= a restaurant  
Hai...eeto.= Yes...but/arrgg it is a filler word   
Arigatoo gozaimasu.= Thank you very much.  
yukata= a kimono like clothing  
  
  
  
~Tiian~  
  
Oh bare graze misery  
Just a child without a fairytale am I  
Dark but so lovely  
A Little Match Girl freezing in the snow  
Bare Grace Misery  
Nightwish 


	4. Chapter 4

Longing for your touch  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own RK. Just believe it.  
  
  
  
Chapter 4   
  
A sin for him  
Desire within  
A burning veil  
For the bride too dear for him  
She is my sin  
Nightwish  
  
  
The sun had risen and there, were it seemed to warm everything, in truth there was one person it didn't warm. Shinomori Aoshi made his way up the stairs of the temple without paying any attention to the sun's warm rays, or birds that flew in the sky, happy that the rain had stopped.  
  
Okon and Omasu had returned from Tokyo two days ago. They had returned without her. The speed of his steps increased.  
  
************  
  
Two days ago...  
  
Aoshi walked down the steps of the temple. Sun had already disappeared and the evening was changing into a night. The whole day Aoshi had had somehow uneasy feeling. He couldn't explain it, but it had made meditating hard. There was also something missing that made meditating harder, but he didn't want to think about her. She would be back soon and things would be like they had been before.  
  
He entered the Aoiya's garden and the closer he came to the main building, more he felt that something was wrong. He forced himself to walk, not to run like he wanted to. He stepped into the building, his heart beating faster that usually. Something was wrong. He heard voices from left and headed towards the source, which was in the restaurant part.  
  
Okina, Shiro, Kuro, Okon and Omasu were sitting in one of the slots. The first thing Aoshi noticed was that someone was missing. *Where is Misao?* He wanted to do nothing more than ask that question, but he didn't. He usually never did anything he wanted, not anymore anyway.   
  
He was quite surprised when others didn't notice him at the doorway. *They are lacking practise...or something is bothering them badly.* Their rised voices and the absence of Misao drew his attention.  
  
Omasu was yelling at Okina, both hers and Okon's faces were pained. "We tried Okina! Don't blame us for not trying! We did our best! It just wasn't enough..." Okon turned her head away from Okina, not wanting to face his blaiming stare. Omasu saw her do so and wanted to do the same, but they had to explain. "It just wasn't enough...Misao-chan did what she wanted." Omasu continued. "And I think she did the right thing in--"   
  
"Right thing?!?!" Okina stood up his face red of anger and slammed the table with his hand. Omasu and Okon both winced. "That is not possible! My angel living alone- ALONE- in Tokyo is not a right thing! How can you say that? Her place is here!"  
  
  
Aoshis eyes widened. *Misao living alone in Tokyo?* Surprise. And then numbing fear. *She isn't going to......return?* Aoshi's mind was in turmoil as he tried to keep despair in check and at the same time calmly process the information he received. *Away from here... A right thing? I knew she was hiding something, that something was hurting her but I didn't think...*   
  
  
Now Okon also stood up no longer caring about the blaim he had in his eyes. There was something that had to be told. "You didn't see her! You didn't hear what she said! She is in pain! She cried and cried and cried! She was nothing like the girl she used to be!"  
  
"Then why didn't you bring her back?! If she was in so much pain, then--" Okina was yelling, his worry turning into anger.   
  
Okon interrupped him. "She was in pain in here! Here! This is the place that causes her pain!" Okina froze, his thoughts froze. "What?" he asked with unbelieving and weak voice.  
  
  
Okina wasn't the only one that could do nothing. *What? Misao is in pain here? This place makes her cry. Cry... But why?* Old memories came back in a rush.  
  
  
Some of his feelings showed on his face, his facade of coldness broken, but no one noticed not him standing at the doorway or his pain for once visible on his face. They were too busy dealing with their own turmoil of emotions to notice him.   
  
  
Okon seated herself again, before answering now in a calm voice. "It is because of Aoshi-sama." Okina also sat down, his anger having returned into the form of a worry. "I see..."  
  
"No you don't." Omasu was speaking this time. "She loves him more than anything. Aoshi-sama's silence and ...coldness has led her to believe that he doesn't care about her, that he doesn't want her anywhere near him."  
  
  
*She is wrong. I do care and I---need her near me, more than anything. And the last thing I would want is her to be hurting. But...if this is what she wants, then that is what I am going to give her.* But the thought of her forever out of his reach, never to see, hear or feel her again was something that made him feel empty, lonely and almost desperate. But if she was happier in Tokyo and didn't want to return, he would just have to learn to go on without her. But it wouldn't be easy, if it even was possible.  
  
  
Okina looked shocked and then a bit of hope shone from his eyes. "But that's not true! I am sure that Aoshi cares a great deal about her, if we tell her that he cares, maybe she will return."  
  
"Can you go there and say that to Misao-chan without being absolutely sure? She may return, but only to be hurt again." Omasu shook her head at Okina.  
"We can't bring her back. Aoshi-sama is the only one who can. And he only if he loves Misao-chan. Not as a little girl he helped to raise, but as the woman she is now."  
  
Okina sighed and shook his head slightly. "I truly wonder sometimes. I know that he cares for her, but whether as a little sister or as a woman... I have to ask from Aoshi himself."  
  
"What do you have to ask from me?" A cold, masculine voice surprised all of them. They turned their heads to see their former leader standing at the door in his brown meditation yukata, his face calm and still. His facade was once more whole, no one would have guessed that just a moment ago it had been broken.  
  
*How much did he hear?* Okina stared at him noting his posture which held no emotion. "How long have you been there?"  
  
Aoshi raised his eyebrown in a question. *Long enough to be too long.*   
"You should know. I did nothing to conseal my presence."  
  
Okina was ready to hit himself. *Why didn't I notice him?! Well, it can't be changed and for now there are more important things to think about.*  
  
Okina rose to his foots and walked to Aoshi, looking into his eyes trying to read some emotion, but couldn't find anything. *Can this man really be as cold and ...empty as he looks? He wasn't in the past, but many things have changed.*   
  
"I have a question for you."  
No reaction from the other man.  
"Misao has moved to Tokyo."  
Still nothing. Not a single movement.  
"Will you go there and ask her to come back?" Okina watched Aoshi for any kind of reaction. He didn't move nor speak in a while. Then, when Okina had already almost given up, he spoke.  
"It was her own decision."   
  
Then Aoshi turned and was about to walk of, but Okina took hold of his arm. "That decision was made believing that you don't care about her. That you don't want her anywhere near you. Was that decision a right one?"   
  
Aoshi didn't even look at him as he spoke and when Okina was finished, merely walked away forging him to let go of his arm. Okina was lefted to shake his head as the others were quiet and stared at their hands. *That man is impossible.*  
  
  
************  
  
Birds sung as they flew, leaves made soothing sounds in the small wind. But the person walking the road could not find it comforting, beautiful, or even worth of noticing. Since the talk in the restaurant he had thought about things. For the first time he truly had to consider the fact that Misao wouldn't always be close to him. He had thought that she would always stay and warm him with her smile and closeness. But she wasn't here now, nor was she coming back. She had decided to stay in Tokyo, away from him.  
  
Okinas words had replayed themselves in his mind over and over for the past two days. And he still didn't know the answer.  
  
She was in pain in here, so Okon and Omasu had said and he had noticed something troubling her, hurting her. He knew what pain was and it's better to live without it in life. He didn't want her to feel bad or to be hurting.  
  
He knew that Misao loved him, everyone knew that and he wasn't blind. It shone from her very being every time she was close to him, looked at him, smiled at him, spoke to him. Now she was in pain because of that. Because she didn't know his true feelings.  
  
*Would it be right to go there and tell her? I am not good with words, I may only hurt her more. I don't want her to be hurting, not because of me. Would she be happy if I would tell that I... Would it make her happy?*  
  
"What can I do to make her happy?" Aoshi asked aloud from no one particulary.   
  
He reached the temple, without even knowing what he was going to do there.   
  
He already knew that meditating was impossible as long as his thoughts were as messed up as they were, and also because she was not there. She was gone.  
  
*Can I? How came you are so sure?*  
  
  
  
*I do love her. I need her. But is it right...? *  
  
*My selfisness has caused great pain to her.*  
  
*Why would she love someone who has hurted her?*  
  
*She shouldn't, but I want her to...need her to.*  
  
*I want her...to be mine forever.*  
  
*I don't ever want to lose her, not her, ever. I want her to come back.*  
  
*I'll go and bring her back with me.*  
  
Aoshi stopped, his eyes wide and amazed. Sudden realizion surprised him. *So simple.* He stood still, the decision calming his emotions. He knew now what he wanted and what to try to get it, what to do to get it.   
  
He turned around noting that he sun hadn't risen a long time ago. If he would pack fast and run, he would reach Tokyo in less than a week. Then he would ask her. He would tell her and everything would be over, whether or not she still wanted to return.  
  
He remembered the question he had asked a bit earlier.  
  
For the first time in a long time his thoughts were calm and clear and he knew the answer. It was so very simple.  
*I'll do anything to make her happy.*  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
Kashiwazaki Nenji cursed, which was unusual for him. He could act weird most of the time, but cursing was something he usually never did. Since Okon and Omasu had came back with their news and he had had a fight with Aoshi, if it could be called a fight, he had tried to came up with something to say to him, to force him to go to Tokyo and bring Misao back.   
  
He was losing his patience. He had visited Aoshi once while he was meditating, but the man hadn't said a word. *There has to be something I can say to him to change his mind. He has to get Misao back here! Not for us, but for himself and Misao. They need each other.*   
  
After pacing for two days he was quite amazed that the tatami hadn't broken yet. But then again, he had also paced in the kitchen, at the corridor, in the garden, almost everywhere in the Aoiya. He was just about to go to the garden to think, when the shoji to his room opened and Omasu run into the room, face was full of hope and happiness.   
  
Before Okina had a chance to say a thing she yelled at him. "Aoshi-sama is leaving! He is going to Tokyo!" Okinas mind froze for a moment before he shook his head in disbelief.  
  
He couldn't believe it. After he had spent two days trying to come up with something to say to Aoshi to make him leave, now he was going to go without him having to convince him at all. His disbelief was visible on his face and after he got his thoughts in some kind of order, he spoke. "Aoshi is going to Tokyo?"   
  
Omasu smiled and nodded. "Hai. He came to me a moment ago and asked me to make some food for him to take with him. I asked him where he was going, and he answered that he was going to Tokyo and that he needed the food quickly, because he was leaving in an hour."  
  
Okinas feelings were a mixure of happiness and wonder. He had to see that Aoshi was truly leaving with his own eyes. "Omasu-san, do his sack, I am going to talk to him." Without waiting for Omasus answer he walked out of the room and headed towards Aoshi's. He had no idea what to say to him but he knew he had to do something.   
  
When he reached Aoshi's room he still didn't have anything to say, he could only hope that the words would come when he needed them. He knocked the shoji and entered the room. Aoshi was standing besides his table in his onmitsu uniform, his eyes on him, in his hands he held one of his books and beside him on the floor were his packed things. He raised an eyebrown.  
  
Okina cleared his throat before speaking.  
"I heard you are leaving." Aoshi merely nodded.   
  
Okina was silent for a moment before the words came. "Good luck. I trust you to make things right." Aoshi didn't do a thing or say a thing, but when Okina was leaving he spoke. "Thank you."   
  
Okina turned his head, nodded and left.  
  
  
*****************************************************************************  
  
  
Misao ran around Akabeko like grazy. It was the busy hour and Akabeko was fuller than ever. The sun had shone all day and the air was unstandably hot. The clothing she was wearing cling onto her skin making her feel uncomfortable. She was sweating and hungry, not having ate since the morning. She held the tray of yakisoba and miso-soup carefully balancing it, the scent of the food causing her stomach to grumble. *Man, I am hungry.*  
  
The thought distracted her for a while and she almost lost the balance of the tray. With an almost silent yelp she fixed the balance just in time before all food was on the floor. Customers were already becoming restless and she hurried to them, placing their orders before them. And then someone already yelled for a waitress and she hurried to them, took their orders and delivered them to the kitchen.  
  
She prayed for this torture to end and after an hour it did end. Misao sat down thankfully, staring at the plate before her, full of food. She was sure that she was drooling on it before she ate herself full and after checking if her help was needed, she headed towards the well.   
  
As she walked, she absent mindedly brushed a loose strand of her black hair back to the bun which held them captured on the top of her head. She reached the well, threw the bucket and drew woderfully cold water from the well. Thanking Kami-sama for the water, she wet a piece of fabrik and tapped her forehead with it, enjoying the feel of water flowing down her skin, cooling it.  
  
Some of the water flowed down over her collarbones and down to the walley between her breats making her shiver in pleasure of it. Her head was tilted towards the sky, her eyes were closed and she held the fabrik in her glenched hands against her chest. Everything was perfect.   
  
She was hardly aware of the voices behind her, but as they came closer she heard someone speak. "This way. Aah, there she is." Misao turned around, amazed. *Tae-san..? Nani? Dare?*  
  
Her thoughts were interruped when she saw who Tae was speaking to. A tall man in a oniwabanshu uniform, a long saya in his hands, black hair and piercing blue eyes staring straightly at her. A whisper escaped Misaos lips before she could stop herself. "Aoshi-sama..."   
  
A wawe of emotions washed over her. Love. She saw him nod at Tae and then head towards her. Pain. Tae turned and entered the restaurant leaving them alone. Confusion. She felt her heart ache and familiar feeling of pain was once again resurrected from inside of her. Fear. He was too close, only few meters away. *I have to get away.*   
  
Misao reacted out of sheer impulse, not wanting to be hurt ever again, turned around and ran. She had to get away from him. After taking only few steps, she heard his saya make a sound as it hit the ground and strong hands embraced her from behind and stopped her run.   
  
Misao didn't bother to struggle knowing that if he wanted to speak to her or something, she could not stop him. She felt so weak with him touching her, holding her. Her heart ached and she felt like she couldn't breath. His scent and warmth surrounded her and she gave up.   
  
There was no key to free her, no escape from him. She relaxed against him feeling him pull her a bit tighter against him, before turning her around to face him. Warm blue eyes met icy blue eyes. And Misao could only pray.   
  
  
  
Glossary:  
yukata= a kimono like clothing  
yakisoba= noodle-food   
Kami-sama= a God  
Nani?= What?  
Dare?= Who?  
saya= a sheath of a sword  
  
* Tiian * 


	5. Chapter 5

Longing for your touch  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own RK. You should know that.  
  
  
  
Chapter 5   
  
Your eyes they were my paradise  
Your smile made my sun rise  
Forgive me for I don't know what I gain  
Alone in this garden of pain  
Enchantment has but one truth:  
I weep to have what I fear to lose  
Gethsemane  
Nightwish  
  
  
  
Misao looked at Aoshis face, her eyes caressing every inch of it. Aoshi looked exactly like he had before, no change was visible on his face. His face didn't show any emotion, not that she had expected it to. His dark hair falled beautifully over his eyes and he looked at her behind his hair with eyes that seemed to see right through Misao.   
  
Misao hastily turned her face away, refusing to look at him again. His hands let go of her and she couldn't say if she was happy or sad about it, or both. Happy because she wanted to get away from him before he would weaken her, sad because she wanted to be weak as long as she could be with him.  
  
She stepped back, but didn't try to run away again. She felt cold despite the fact that the day was the warmest one in a long time. But then again, this coldness was inside of her.   
  
A silence hung in the air for Misao had nothing to say to Aoshi and couldn't understand what he was doing here. Until... *Of course. I should have known. Okon-san, Omasu-san and Jiya sent him. He came because they asked. Nothing more.* The thought made her feel sad and it surprised her.   
  
Then she understood. She still wanted him to came here, to take her back. He had been here only few minutes and Misao already felt herself weaken enough to do exactly as he wanted her to. If he would say that she should return, even if he himself didn't want her to, even if the words would not be his but Jiyas, she would do so. She would condemn herself to live in the heart breaking pain of loneliness and longing again. *NO! I refuse this! I refuse to allow him to have this kind of power over me!*   
  
Gathering all of her strength she turned to Aoshi, opened her mouth to speak, but didn't have a change to say one word before he spoke. "We need to talk and this is not the right place."   
  
His rarely heard voice surprised Misao and her eyes found his once again. He looked just calm, making Misaos forehead wringle, something was missing but she didn't understand what.   
  
Aoshi looked at her evenly. "I heard you have own apartment." His voice startled her and she almost shook her head in disbelief. Already now he had said almost more to her than when she still was in Kyoto.  
  
"Yes, I have." she answered with a voice she hoped to be calm and certain. For some time they just stood still, looking at each other and somehow Misao got a feeling that Aoshi was amused, but why would he be?  
  
"Can we go there to talk?" Aoshi looked as calm as ever, despite the fact that there was an aura of amusement around him. Misao instead blushed furiously at his words. *Baka! Why didn't I understand?!* Trying to cover her embarassement, uneasiness and fear she first nodded, then turned her back to him and started to walk towards her home fast. Sooner this was over, the better.  
  
During the walk to her apartment neither on of them spoke a word, Misao had nothing to say and Aoshi...was just Aoshi.   
  
They reached her new home in a short amount of time and there she opened the shoji for him to enter and almost closed her eyes in pleasure as his scent lingered in the air a moment after he had walked past her. Then she followed him inside, confused at the way only his masculine scent could still make her thought prossess stop and closed the shoji behind her with a silent bang. She looked at her almost empty apartment and felt proudness welling up inside of her.   
  
She had a home and a job, she didn't really need him. She could live the rest of her life without him. Or so she thought until her eyes found him and took in every glorious detail of him and the familiar ache in her heart crew, she knew then that she was lying to herself. She needed him like a flower needed water and sun.   
  
Aoshi stood in the middle of the small room and looked around the place, the unfolded futon on the floor, clean table and a closed closet. He placed his kodachis in their saya on the table and turned to face her. She stared at his handsome face and saw the same thing as before. Something was missing, but she couldn't figure out what.  
  
**************  
  
Aoshi looked at Misao who stood at the door biting her lip. She looked lovely, but still somehow tired and sad. He wanted to wipe that look of her face and return a smile not only to her lips but also to her eyes. *I hope this helps.*   
  
Aoshi hadn't been this afraid ever in his life. Everything depended on his capability to tell her how he felt and he was so bad with words. He wanted her to know how much he needed her, wanted her and loved her. But how, he did not know.   
  
During the past years he had acted almost coldly towards her because he was afraid, afraid of the power she had over him and of losing her. He had always lost everything he had cared for and now...if he dared to show how he felt, would he lose her too? He wouldn't be able to bear it. She was all he had left. She was everything.  
  
And now he needed to know. Did she still love him? After everything, would she be able to accept him? His love?  
  
He stepped closer to her and raised his hand towards her face wanting to feel her warmth, doing as his instinct told him to, but she moved away before he could touch her, looking almost terrified. He allowed his hand to drop beside him as the pain swallowed him. She didn't want him, at least not anymore. He had his answer.  
  
He swallowed and opened his suddenly dry mouth. "I see. I'll leave then." And walked away from her, grapped his saya, moved to the shoji, opened it and stepped outside leaving Misao alone inside to wonder his actions.  
  
***************  
  
He had left, leaving her alone. She should be happy, but she wasn't. Something in his actions didn't ring true. Why had he came here? To say few words to her and then leave? No, that wasn't, no, it couldn't be true. Aoshi didn't usually do things like that, nothing this meaningless, but then again she didn't really know him that well.  
  
Misao looked out of the open shoji and saw his broad back as he walked away from her. Then Misao gasped as she understood what had been missing and from where. His eyes which were usually colder than a winter had been warmer and more open than in a long time. He had allowed her to see trough some of his barriers and she had refused him by moving away from him.  
  
Replaying the scene where she had moved away from his touch, afraid of his power over her, afraid of what would happen if she allowed him to weaken her again, she remembered the look on his face and now she understood what it was. Hurt.  
  
It had been there only for a moment before the coldness had fully returned, swallowing all warmth and then he had already left. But the hurt had been there, she was sure of it. Unconsciously she stepped forward towards his walking form. *Could it be that he... Could it...*   
  
She felt helpless not knowing what to do. She wanted to run after him and ask him, but what would she ask. Do you love me...? Am I a child or a woman...? He was already far away from her and she knew that if she would allow him to walk away this once, he would never return.   
  
And suddenly nothing else mattered. The pain from his past actions was forgotten, the loneliness, the despair, everything was meaningless.  
  
Before she even understood what she was doing, she was running after him.  
  
*****************  
  
Aoshi walked numbly forward, other world having disappeared. She didn't want him. He had pushed her away from himself without realizing it.   
  
He heard running steps behind him, but didn't care, nothing mattered anymore. She was gone forever. She would probably get married and have a lots of children. Thoughts like that sunk his heart even lower in his chest.  
  
Suddenly he felt a tug at his shirt as someone took a hold of it from behind and he automaticly turned ready to defend himself from the attacker by hitting the person. Just before his hand hit the target his head turned enough for him to see the target. Misao. His eyes widened in horror.   
  
She had closed her eyes anticapating his fist to hit her, knowing it to be useless to try to block it, but he just barely managed to change the direction of his hand before it hit her. Her hair flowed in the air as the wind his hit rose touched it. His heart beated in his chest fast and blood pounded loudly in his ears as she stared at her face. *I almost... hit her, hurted her.*  
  
"Misao..." her name escaped his lips before he could stop himself. She let go of his shirt as he turned around fully to face her. Why would she have followed him?   
  
"Misao, what...?" And to his surprise Misao buried her face into his chest and wrapped her hands around his waist tightly. "Don't go. Please." became a muffled whisper from his chest.  
  
He stood stunned for a while, before his brains got a hold of the situation and he wrapped his arms around Misao and sighed in relief. Maybe, just maybe she still... He pulled her as close to him as possible and breathed in her sweet scent.   
  
Misao spoke against him with a quiet voice, but loudly enough for him to hear her. "Aoshi-sama, why did you come here?" Her hands held him a bit tighter as if she wouldn't want to hear the answer, like she would be afraid of it.  
  
Aoshi opened his mouth but no sound came. He tried to speak, to tell her, but it was harder than he ever could have imagined. He couldn't get the words out of his mouth. And so, they stood in silence holding each other until Misao suddenly let go of him and stepped back, pushing him away. She stared at the ground and whispered almost only to herself.   
  
"I see. They asked you to, right. Okon-san, Omasu-san, Jiya and others. But-" she raised her head and smiled at him, trying to make her smile look as real and happy as possible and failing in it. "-I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me. I like living here and I am not going to return. So, ummm... bye, Aoshi-sama."   
  
Aoshi could not believe his ears. What made her think like that? He didn't understand, but he knew that he had to do something to convince her that he had came only because he had wanted to, needed to. Misao was already turning around to walk back to her apartment, to walk away from him. And then he found words. "Oh no, you don't."  
  
He grapped her arms, turned her to him noting the look of surprise on her face and moved to tell her how he felt, if not with words, then with actions.  
  
*************  
  
Misao was surprised that he was stopping her. Why would he do that? She wanted to go to her apartment to cry her eyes out, but instead she found herself being pulled towards Aoshi. Before she even understood what was happening, her thoughts were cut off by a pair of warm lips on hers.   
  
It took her a moment to process the fact that Aoshi was kissing her, but after she was done with that, she allowed herself to feel him, even if only this once. She opened her mouth inviting him in and he accepted the invition.   
  
Misao could not understand how anything could feel this wonderful. Aoshi seemed to drank her in, his mouth hungry and hot as the afternoon. She felt him pull her even closer to himself, his another thigh pressing hard against her. She had never felt herself as alive as she felt now. She didn't want this to end, ever. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her hands in his soft hair pulling him closer, as close as possible.   
  
The kiss seemed to last forever before Aoshi pulled back lightly to breath, his mouth still almost touching hers, his hot breath against her moist lips sending a shiwer through Misao.   
  
She opened her eyes slowly to look into his and what she saw was his true self. He allowed all of his barriers to grumble down, allowed her to see everything. His need, want, possessiveness and love. Pain, guilt and desperation.  
  
Misao gasped as she now understood how hard it must be for him to say his feelings aloud, because there were no words to describe them. But now she saw them all and the pain dissappeared from her heart. She knew now, finally she knew.   
  
He loved her like a woman and as herself. She would never have to pretend to be anything else than what she really was. Her mouth curved into a smile and she pulled Aoshi into a thight embrace. "Arigatou."   
  
His hands wrapped around her possesively. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to. She knew.  
  
*******************************************  
  
Aoshi felt complete in a way he had never felt before. He had always been broken in some way, ever since his birth. He had had trouble telling and showing people how he felt, even as a child he had always been alone. His mother had tried to get him to play with other children, but he had never felt comfortable doing so and others had noted that and stayed away.   
  
He had always learned things fast and easy, his capapility to remember amazed people. His intelligency and inability to express his feelings had isolated him from his very birth. And the few feelings he had been able to show were gone as his mother and father had been killed before his eyes when he was 6 years old.   
  
Four years later, when he had been 10 years old and okashiras daughter had given birth to a little girl named Misao, he had felt something change. When he held that beautiful baby in his arms he had felt free. She wouldn't judge him, she would accept him. The walls that had been in his heart since his birth grumbled for the first time and he had been able to truly smile. But only to her when no one else was near.   
  
Misaos innocence had became his in a way, he lived his youth again trough her. Playing with her, listening her, comforting her had changed him, given him a change to open up. But when he had been chosen to became okashira after Misaos grandfather had died, he had lost his change to learn from the child how to smile and let people know how he felt. He had put up a wall around him that kept everyone away, except Misao.   
  
Years and years later when all of his emotions had been closed of after witnessing his friend death, even Misao was closed outside. Her innocense shouldn't be tainted. And he wouldn't be able to bear losing her. If she would have seen what was inside of him, she would have left him. After he had already lost Hannya and others, he couldn't lose her.   
  
But now he was complited. She was in his arms and in his heart. For the first time ever he had opened his heart fully allowing her to see everything, allowing her to became a part of him, the one part that made the difference between broken and whole. He had redeemed the promise she had given years ago. She accepted him as who he was.  
  
"Aoshiii..." her sleepy whisper of his name and his attention was on her. Aoshi noticed that she hadn't said -sama after his name and last barrier of formality was broken.  
  
She was so beautiful. Wrapped in his arms, her hair freed and flowing around him, she was waking up. The hot and busy day accompanied with the encounter with him had exhausted her and after they had returned to her apartment, she had soon fell asleep in Aoshis arms. Now, after hours of peaceful sleep, she was waking up.  
  
Misao looked at him with sleepy eyes and smiling contented smile snuggled closer to him, pressing her head against his chest. Aoshi looked down at her head with warm eyes and buried his other hand in the mass of her black hair, enjoying the feel of it slipping through his fingers as he moved his hand.  
  
*************  
  
Misao was fully awake now and felt him play with her hair. She smiled and moved up so that she could wrap her arms around his neck instead of his waist. Aoshi looked at her with unbelievable tenderness and fondness in his eyes. Othervise his face was as impassive as ever, but his eyes told Misao enough. His hands took a firm hold of her hips, as if he would never let go. She buried her hands in his hair as she was kneeling in his embrace, love and happiness shining in her eyes.  
  
She didn't know how long she had wanted to touch his hair, his face, his mouth, all of him. She still hadn't seen him smile but with time she was sure she could make him reveal it to her once more.   
  
Misao traced his face with her fingers admiring his perfectness. She had wanted him to be hers for so long, but now that she finally knew that he was hers, she could barely believe it. He was everything a woman could wish for and he was hers, had always been.  
  
She gazed lovingly into his eyes and kissed him lightly on lips, before snuggling back into the warmth of his embrace. They held each other in silence, just enjoying the closeness.  
  
Even now, safe in his arms, Misao couldn't stop herself from thinking about the future. What would they do now? Stay here or travel back to Kyoto? No matter what happened Misao knew that she didn't want to separate herself from Aoshi even for a moment. They had been apart already too long. Her finger moved along his skin in circles as she thought.  
  
She knew that Okina and others wanted her to return, but she wasn't sure if she wanted just yet. She had taken a liking of living in here, but what would Aoshi say if she wanted to stay. Would he return without her or stay here with her? If he would stay as he probably would, where would he live? It wouldn't be proper for him to live with her in here... not that she had anything against it, but he may have. So where? At the dojo? What would Kaoru say to that? What Aoshi would say? What-?  
  
"What are you thinking?" Aoshi had noticed a troubled look on her face and knew that something was bothering her. She smiled at him snuggling closer before answering to his question. "What are we going to do now?" She kept her face hidden in his shirt, waiting for him to answer.  
  
Aoshi pulled her a bit closer and run his other hand up and down her back in soothing movement. He thought only for a short moment, before answering. "Either we return to Kyoto or we stay here. Which, is up to you."  
  
Misao blinked. She had thought he would just that they would return or stay, not him to put her into the position to decide.  
  
"Up to me? Why is that? Why should I decide?" Misao hid her happiness at his answer behind a curtain of annoyance, but Aoshi wasn't fooled that easily. He could easily see that she was pleased by his answer and instead of answering her question, asked his own. "Are you happy, Misao?"  
  
Misao blinked at the sudden question. Then a smile more beautiful that any he had ever seen on her face appeared for the first time on her lips before she answered him by first rising up in his arms, kissing his lips softly and then speaking. "More so than ever before in my life."  
  
"Yokatta." was all Aoshi had to say, but the smile in his eyes told Misao how happy he was and also made her heart skip a beat. She had never seen his eyes this openly showing his happiness and she could feel tears of joy appearing into her eyes and then slowly falling down her cheeks. Misao noticed through her tears that Aoshi was looking at her cheeks and then his hand rose and he brushed the tears gently away.   
  
"Misao..." the sadness in his voice startled her and when she looked at him more closely, she could see a sorrowful look on his face and gentle brushed his cheek with her fingertips to get him to look in her eyes. He turned slowly, almost relutanctly to face her. There was a deep sorrow hidden in his eyes.  
  
"Aoshi, what is the matter?"   
  
Instead of answering he pulled her closer to him, until she was as close to him as possible. It seemed as if he would try make sure that she was safe, sure that she was real. Misao wrapped her arms around him hesitantly. She didn't understand what had happened. Why was Aoshi suddenly so sad?  
  
She tried to figure out what to say or do to make him feel better and to understand what was wrong, but couldn't think of anything. So she just sat still in his warm arms, allowing the feel of them, the feel of him around her to calm her.   
  
But she couldn't stay still and quiet for long. She had to find out what was wrong. She was just about to ask when he spoke, answering the question she was about to make.  
  
"I don't like to see you crying."  
  
Misao eyes widened in his embrace. She should have realized. How, she didn't know, but she should have. But she hadn't cried because she was sad, but because she was so happy. Didn't he see the difference? She tried to move, but he wrapped his arms so tightly around her that she couldn't. So she tried speaking instead.  
  
"Aoshi, I was crying because I am so glad. I have loved you my whole life and now I am here in your arms. You have fullfilled almost all of my wishes, given me what I have most desired in my life." All Aoshi had to say to answer was something Misao did not expect.   
  
"Almost? There are still wishes I could fullfill?" the sound of his voice sent shiwers running down her back. It was an innocent question, but somehow he made it seem like something else, gave it a meaning she had not been thinking about, at the moment.   
  
She tried to move again and this time his arms gave her a room to do so. She stared into his blue eyes which were staring back intently and her mouth dropped open at the faked child-like innocence that he used to hide his true feeling failing, probably purpously, miserably. Behind that fake innocence were feelings that made her heart thump more loudly, her face colour and her mouth go dry. She had already forgotten all about his sorrowful expression from a moment ago.  
  
He didn't move an inch, just kept her close waiting for her to decide, what would happen next. They stayed still for a long time, before Misao sunk back into his embrace.   
  
She knew that he wanted her, but she herself wasn't that ready yet. And she knew that he would wait as long as it was necessary, not that she had any intentions to make that time long. She wanted him, she had noticed that already a long time ago, but there were things that she wanted clear, things she wanted to happen, before they would sleep together, in that way.   
  
Her cheeks flushed at the thought of them sharing a bed and she tried to force that kind of thoughts out of her mind. She buried her burning face into his shirt to hide it from his all-seeing eyes.   
  
Slowly she relaxed in his arms again, his hand moved hypnotisingly slowly along her long black tresses. They hadn't decided what to do next yet, but the time for that would come. Right then, at that very moment both of them just wanted to relax and enjoy each other.   
  
  
OWARI!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
and I am so happy! ^___________^ 


End file.
